Are You Speaking To Yourself With The Same Painful Words From Those Who Have Hurt You?

4 Powerful Steps to Identifying How You Treat Yourself...

Have you ever taken a good look at how you internally speak to yourself?   Most times we are speaking to ourselves the way others have treated us in our past and we don’t even realize it.

 

Do you have a constant replay in your mind saying “What is wrong with me”?   Are you hard on yourself? Doubting yourself?   

 

Right now in my life I am focused on my mind and my thoughts.  It’s amazing what you find when you pay attention to what you are thinking about.   There are so many things inside of us that are constantly at work and we don’t even realize they are there.

 

As a man thinks in his heart, so does he become”  Proverbs 23:7

 

One thing that came up for me recently was how I feel about myself and how I talk to myself.   I realized the thoughts in my head towards myself are actually the words that were said to me in my childhood and negative things people who were supposed to love me have said to me throughout my life.   Unfortunately those weren’t supportive positive words. 

 

What are you saying?   And where are those words coming from?

 

I care about people.   I have deep empathy for other people’s pain and happiness.  What I realized is that I didn’t have that for myself.   

 

I’ve been treating myself the way other people have treated me throughout my life.  It’s interesting how other people’s words become our thoughts towards ourselves.

 

I believe this is an area that is often missed.  But yet it’s probably the most important one.

 

Once I realized this, I took a step outside of myself and viewed my life as if it were another person.  I looked at how I would feel about that person and what they’ve gone through if it was someone else.

 

WOW….It was powerful.  I started crying. The feelings were so deep and emotional.  I suddenly had so much love for this person (myself) and I wanted nothing more than to support her and love her.

 

All my life I’ve been fighting against myself and hurting myself.  I was constantly telling myself there was something wrong with me, that I wasn’t good enough, that I couldn’t do anything right.   

 

The thing is, these weren’t my words, they were someone else’s words from my past.

 

This was such a huge breakthrough for me.

 

So now, I’m asking you to look inside.   How are you talking to yourself? What are the voices in your head saying?

 

I know it can be hard to revisit pain.  But the only way we can heal and become healthy inside is to go deep, feel it, and release it.  

 

When you bury pain and past hurt it constantly rears its ugly head and makes you act in ways you don’t understand.   Until we deal with these things we’ve buried we cannot heal.

 

As we start this new year, let’s do it with purpose, with intention.   Let’s be overcomers!

 

When we heal ourselves we are giving a gift to the world because we can become our true authentic selves and that is where we become who God made us to be.   That is where we start putting out light in the world instead of brokenness.

 

I’ve taken the process that I used successfully and put it into 4 easy steps for you.   I challenge you to take this journey and to start 2020 loving yourself and speaking nothing but encouraging supportive words to yourself!   Be your own best friend. No one can look out for you and want more for you than yourself. 🙂

 

4 Step “Become Your Biggest Supporter” Process:

 

Step 1:   Observe What You’re Saying To Yourself

  • Go to a quiet space where you won’t be bothered.  It’s important that you have no interruptions.  
  • I like to start any session like this with a prayer for God’s help to reveal what I need to see.
  • Start looking at the thoughts you have about yourself and how you think of yourself in different situations.   For example, what pressures do you have at work and when you are under pressure to provide something, what is it that stresses you or worries you?  If there is stress, it’s typically because you have doubts about your abilities or what others will think. You worry about judgement, etc.
  • What about with people overall?   How do you feel around people? A little insecure?   Like you don’t measure up? Do you wear a mask to hide your true self around other people because you don’t want them to see what’s really going on?   If so, what are those thoughts that you are thinking about yourself? That you aren’t good enough?  That you aren’t smart enough? Are you hearing negative voices from your past?
  • Do you believe in yourself or are you really hard on yourself?

 

I was shocked to find how mean I am to myself.   The worst part is I didn’t even realize I was doing it.   I was never supported or encouraged in my childhood and I was judged for every action.  No matter what I did it wasn’t good enough. I believed something was wrong with me because that is all I ever heard.  

 

With that, I became a perfectionist and put unrealistic expectations on myself in every situation.  I tried to be someone I wasn’t.  

 

A lot of times if we are defensive with people, pretending we have it all together, or judging others.  It’s because we don’t love ourselves and we are trying to find ways to make ourselves feel better that only cause more damage.  Not to mention it doesn’t look good on us!

 

It’s important that we realize that other people hurt us because of their brokenness.   We CANNOT carry that with us.   

 

It’s so important when someone says something hurtful to you that you look at why they are saying it and where it is coming from.   It’s coming from hurt inside of them that they are projecting onto you. It has NOTHING to do with you!! 

 

We cannot hold onto mean things other people say or how they treat us.  They don’t determine our worth.   

 

God made each one of us with a special purpose and path in mind.   As long as you are following your heart and doing your best, you are amazing!    It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.   

 

You have to live YOUR life and your purpose and put out good into the world.

 

Step 2:   Step Outside Yourself

This step is the most emotional and also the most eye opening and rewarding.

  • Sit down, close your eyes, and look over your life as if it was someone else.   A good way to look at it is as if it were your own child…someone you would love and protect with everything in you. 
  • Go through the hard situations, things that hurt you, things people did to you, how you felt, etc.  See the child, see the struggles, see the pain. What would your feelings about this person be if it wasn’t you?
  • How does that feel?   You may start crying…heavily.   I did. And that is what you want.  You want this to affect you deeply so that it can sink in.
  • Did you want to just wrap your arms around her or him and tell them they were worth it?   That they are loved? Did you feel like you want to be here for this person to support them and help them every step of the way?   Did you want to speak loving words?  

 

I wanted to be this person’s biggest supporter.   I wanted to embrace her and love her and tell her that she WAS worth it.

 

So…now what?   We have the power to love her or him.  We don’t have to talk or think negatively about ourselves.   We don’t have to be against ourselves.

 

WE CAN BE OUR BIGGEST SUPPORTERS!!!   

 

Step 3:   Turn on the Love Flow!

  • Loving ourselves doesn’t mean being stuck-up or conceited.  That is not at all what this is about. It doesn’t mean you are better than everyone else or that we take on an attitude that we are all that matters.  You don’t want to be self centered.
  • Loving yourself is believing in yourself.   Knowing that God made you for a purpose and that we ALL make mistakes or wrong choices.  We ALL mess up! That is OK!! Mistakes are life’s greatest teachers. Learn from mistakes because they are what will make you better in the long run.   But don’t ever judge or get down on yourself because of mistakes. It’s ok to be human. Just take note of how you can do better next time.
  • When you are feeling fear or doubting yourself, that is when you become that outside person and tell yourself how awesome you are and that as long as you do your best, you are doing the right thing!
  • If you are awkward around other people, that is ok too!   I think I’m awkward around people at times but in talking with others on this journey, pretty much EVERYONE feels awkward around other people!!  Some people just play it off better than others.
  • Don’t compare yourself to others.   The more different you are from other people the better!   I’ve never been one to follow the crowd. I do my own thing and I’m thankful for that.   It allows me the freedom to be me and not try to be like everyone else.  
  • The reason so many people are unhappy is because they are trying to be who they think everyone wants them to be instead of just being their true authentic selves.   If you’re trying to be someone else you’re going to be pretty miserable and you most likely won’t be very likeable either because you aren’t authentic. People feel that.

 

Step 4:   Be Deliberate and Take Action!

You can’t do the steps above and then just walk away.   If you have been mean to yourself, it’s likely a lifelong habit that you will need to break.

  • This one is really awkward and uncomfortable but it works.   Go to the mirror, look yourself in the eye, and say “I love you, I support you, I am your best friend, I will be here for you, and I am so sorry for all the hard things you have been through.  We are in this together and I will no longer be against you but instead I will be your biggest supporter, encourager, and fan!” Tears will likely start to flow.
  • Really let that sink in and talk to yourself in a loving way in the mirror on a regular basis.   It felt REALLY weird to me at first but when I talked to myself like I was another person or as if I was my own child it really affected me.
  • If you don’t make being kind to yourself a daily practice you will forget about it and continue with your old ways.   BE DELIBERATE!!! TAKE THE ACTION!!
  • I put post it notes wherever I will see them to remember to take the time to talk positive.   You don’t have to do this in the mirror all the time. You want to get into the habit of being aware of when you are feeling insecure about something and then stepping into your thoughts and encouraging yourself instead of doubting yourself.
  • I do morning quiet times and this is where I get focused for my day.  This is also where I remind myself of self support, controlling my mind, thinking positive, focusing on thankfulness, etc.   I also suggest a “time out” during the day to take a walk or just sit still somewhere alone and get refocused on your mind goals.
  • You have to be mindful and you have to show up.   One day this will be second nature and you won’t have schedule time in order to remember to do it.

 

I can’t tell you how life changing this will be for you if you take these steps and do the work.   It’s rare to hear anyone talk about loving ourselves. We talk about loving others (which is also important) but the thing is that we can’t truly love others until we love ourselves first.

 

When we don’t love ourselves we are broken.   We act out in ways that hurt other people. When we love and accept ourselves and are kind to ourselves we are able to love others better and also accept them and their mistakes.

 

Today I want you to know you are an amazing incredible creation!  You are perfectly and wonderfully made! God says so.   

 

You were made for a purpose and even though you have walked through pain and hurt and haven’t been treated fairly at times…that doesn’t change your worth!

 

Be the one who stands up for you!   Be your biggest supporter and encourager.   When you doubt yourself, tell yourself YOU CAN DO THIS!  And even if you mess things up (which we all will) it’s ok!   It doesn’t mean you are dumb or bad or a screw up. It means you are a beautiful human in this crazy thing called life.

 

You mean the world to me!

 

Much Love,

Denise

 

p.s.   If you love what I’m putting out and find it encouraging and helpful please share it!   The world becomes a better place with each person that finds themselves and their worth. 

  1. Thank you for this. I’m really going to commit to this. Just shared on Facebook. I love how clear and doable you make every one of your lessons❤️

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